Forgiveness After Loss – Part Two
Forgiving Others and the Circumstances
After loss, forgiveness isn’t only about ourselves. Sometimes the hardest part is forgiving the person we lost or even the circumstances that feel so unbearably unfair. We may carry anger at them for leaving, for choices they made, or for unresolved conflicts. And we may feel bitterness toward life itself: the illness, the accident, or the injustice of what we endured while they were alive.
Why Forgiveness Matters in Grief
Research shows that unresolved anger and bitterness can complicate grief, prolonging symptoms of depression and anxiety. Studies by Dr. Everett Worthington and the Mayo Clinic highlight how forgiveness reduces emotional distress, helps regulate the nervous system, and creates space for acceptance and peace.
But forgiveness after a complicated loss is not simple. When there has been abuse, betrayal, or harm, forgiveness is not about excusing what happened. It is about releasing the burden of bitterness so that grief can unfold without being chained to ongoing pain.
The Process of Forgiving Others and Circumstances: Worthington’s REACH Model
One of the most widely used frameworks for forgiveness is Worthington’s REACH model, which can be adapted for complicated losses:
R – Recall the hurt: Allow yourself to name the anger, resentment, or sense of betrayal you feel.
E – Empathize: This does not mean condoning abuse. Instead, it is about recognizing the humanity and limitations of the person who caused harm.
A – Altruistic gift of forgiveness: Offer forgiveness as a gift to yourself - to free your heart from bitterness - not to excuse the other person.
C – Commit to forgive: Write it down, speak it in therapy, or anchor it through ritual.
H – Hold onto forgiveness: When old anger resurfaces, return to the intention to release it.
A Client’s Story of a Complicated Loss
One of my clients lost her partner, who had been both a source of love and of harm. During their relationship, she endured domestic violence, and when he died suddenly, she was left with a storm of emotions—grief, guilt, anger, and even relief. She told me, “I don’t know how to grieve him. He hurt me, but I also loved him.”
Together, we used the REACH process. She began by recalling the pain honestly, acknowledging the abuse and the complicated love she carried. Empathy for her partner did not mean excusing his actions, but recognizing the brokenness and struggles that shaped him. Forgiveness, in her case, became an act of reclaiming her own peace: choosing not to let resentment define her future. She committed to this by writing letters she never sent, expressing both her rage and her release.
Over time, when waves of anger returned, she reminded herself of her decision: “I am forgiving, not for him, but for me. I am choosing freedom.” Slowly, she began to grieve without being held captive by bitterness.
Closing Thoughts
Forgiving others and the circumstances of loss does not mean condoning harm or pretending the pain never happened. In complicated grief, especially after abuse - forgiveness is a way of breaking free from the cycle of anger and reclaiming your right to healing. It is a practice of choosing peace over bitterness, love over resentment, and freedom over chains.
About the Author
Ashma Hakani, LCSW-S is a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of Renewed Hope Therapy, PLLC. She specializes in grief, trauma, anxiety, and relationship issues, providing compassionate, culturally competent, and trauma-informed care. With over 18 years of experience, she utilizes evidence-based approaches to support her clients in building resilience and coping skills. Ashma also offers clinical supervision and mental health education to individuals and communities. Her work is rooted in the belief that healing is a journey, and she is dedicated to walking alongside her clients every step of the way.
For more information, visit: renewedhopetherapypllc.com
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