Forgiveness After Loss – Part One
Forgiving Yourself and Releasing Guilt
When grief enters our lives, it often carries a heavy companion: regret. After losing someone we love, many of us replay conversations, decisions, and moments, wondering what we could have done differently. I know this feeling personally, the weight of if only can be unbearable.
One of the hardest parts of grief is learning to forgive ourselves. We might think: I should have been there more. I should have visited more often. I should have said “I love you” more often. I should have noticed the signs sooner. These thoughts come from love, but they also trap us in self-blame. Forgiveness, in this context, is not about forgetting or minimizing. It’s about offering compassion to ourselves, knowing that we acted with the knowledge, resources, and limits we had at the time.
Why Forgiving Yourself Matters in Healing
Research shows that self-forgiveness is linked to lower levels of depression, anxiety, and prolonged grief. The Mayo Clinic notes that forgiveness and self-compassion can reduce stress responses in the body, while Dr. Robert Enright’s pioneering work highlights how forgiveness improves emotional resilience and well-being. Letting go of guilt allows us to honor our loved one’s memory without drowning in “what-ifs.”
The Process of Self-Forgiveness: Enright’s Four Phases
Enright’s model provides a compassionate roadmap for working through guilt after loss.
Uncovering Phase – Allow yourself to fully acknowledge the guilt and regrets you carry. This can feel painful, but naming your thoughts—such as, “I regret not being there in their final hours”—is the first step.
Decision Phase – Recognize that holding onto self-blame will not change the past. Here, you begin to make the intentional choice to forgive yourself.
Work Phase – Extend empathy toward yourself. Remind yourself that you are human, and that your imperfections do not diminish the love you shared with your loved one. Reframe your regrets by also remembering the many ways you showed care.
Deepening Phase – Over time, forgiveness brings emotional relief. This phase often includes finding new meaning, feeling closer to your loved one’s memory, and allowing space for healing.
My Own Experience With Regret
When my father passed away suddenly, I carried deep guilt that I hadn’t spent enough time with him in the months before his death. I kept replaying the phone calls I didn’t return quickly enough, the visits I postponed because of work, and the words of love I wished I had spoken more often.
Walking through Enright’s model helped me. In the uncovering phase, I allowed myself to face the full truth of my guilt without pushing it away. In the decision phase, I realized that no amount of self-punishment could change the past. In the work phase, I began reminding myself of the many moments I had shared with him, the laughter, the meals, the small everyday ways I showed love. Over time, in the deepening phase, the guilt softened. Instead of carrying only regret, I began to carry gratitude for the relationship we did have.
That shift didn’t erase the pain of loss, but it freed me from the harshness of self-blame and allowed me to honor his memory with tenderness.
Closing Thoughts
Self-forgiveness is a courageous act of love toward ourselves. It does not erase the loss, but it softens the edges of guilt, allowing us to carry our loved one’s memory with compassion instead of criticism. By offering ourselves grace, we take a step toward healing—and that is something our loved ones would want for us.
About the Author
Ashma Hakani, LCSW-S is a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of Renewed Hope Therapy, PLLC. She specializes in grief, trauma, anxiety, and relationship issues, providing compassionate, culturally competent, and trauma-informed care. With over 18 years of experience, she utilizes evidence-based approaches to support her clients in building resilience and coping skills. Ashma also offers clinical supervision and mental health education to individuals and communities. Her work is rooted in the belief that healing is a journey, and she is dedicated to walking alongside her clients every step of the way.
For more information, visit: renewedhopetherapypllc.com
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