Forgiveness After Loss – Part Three
Forgiving Life and Finding Meaning
When we lose someone we love, it can feel as if the world has betrayed us. Beyond forgiving ourselves or the person we lost, another challenge often arises: forgiving life itself. The unfairness of it all can leave us angry at the universe, God, fate, or even at the randomness of existence.
You may find yourself asking: Why did this happen? Why them? Why now? These questions echo in the silence of grief, and sometimes they have no clear answers. But holding on to bitterness toward life can keep us locked in despair. Forgiveness here does not mean approving of what happened - it means loosening our grip on the anger directed at life so that we can slowly move toward peace.
Why Forgiving Life Matters in Healing
Research in grief psychology shows that when we remain stuck in a sense of cosmic injustice, grief can become complicated and prolonged. Viktor Frankl’s work on meaning-making suggests that finding purpose—even in suffering—can soften despair. Forgiveness of life is not resignation; it is a conscious choice to stop fighting the unchangeable and instead seek new meaning within it.
The Process of Forgiving Life
While there is no single roadmap, many clients find it helpful to combine forgiveness practices with meaning-making:
Name the anger at life – Acknowledge the sense of unfairness and betrayal.
Allow the grief – Let yourself feel sadness, rage, or confusion without judgment.
Seek perspective – Reflect on the fragility of life, the randomness of events, and the limits of human control.
Release bitterness – Through ritual, journaling, prayer, or therapy, begin to loosen anger toward life’s unfairness.
Find meaning – Identify ways to carry your loved one’s memory forward—through values, advocacy, creativity, or service.
A Client’s Story: Making Peace With Life’s Unfairness
One of my clients lost her teenage son in a tragic accident. Alongside her grief, she felt enraged at the world: “Life is cruel. Other people get to grow old with their children—why not me?” Her anger toward life left her feeling isolated and hopeless.
In therapy, she began by naming that anger instead of suppressing it. Over time, she allowed herself to grieve openly, recognizing that her fury was part of her love. Gradually, she moved into seeking perspective, understanding that no one is promised time and that life’s randomness—though devastating—was not a punishment.
The release of bitterness came through ritual: she lit a candle every evening and whispered, “I let go of the fight against life today, even if just for a moment.” Eventually, she found meaning by starting a scholarship fund in her son’s name. This act did not erase her pain, but it gave her a way to honor his life while softening her anger at the world.
Through this process, she came to say: “I don’t forgive life because it was fair—I forgive life because I want to live again.”
Closing Thoughts
Forgiving life is perhaps the hardest step in grief. It is not about excusing tragedy but about releasing the anger that keeps us tied to the question of “why.” In choosing to forgive life, we open space to live more fully, carry our loved one’s memory with love instead of bitterness, and find meaning even in the midst of sorrow.
About the Author
Ashma Hakani, LCSW-S is a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of Renewed Hope Therapy, PLLC. She specializes in grief, trauma, anxiety, and relationship issues, providing compassionate, culturally competent, and trauma-informed care. With over 18 years of experience, she utilizes evidence-based approaches to support her clients in building resilience and coping skills. Ashma also offers clinical supervision and mental health education to individuals and communities. Her work is rooted in the belief that healing is a journey, and she is dedicated to walking alongside her clients every step of the way.
For more information, visit: renewedhopetherapypllc.com
📞 Intake Line: (832) 819-4128
