What to Say and What Not to Say : When Someone You Love Is Struggling
We are in week three of this September series. If you have been following along, we have talked about what suicidal thinking looks like in high functioning people and about how chronic emotional isolation becomes a risk factor that nobody sees coming.
This week I want to address something more practical, because one of the most common things I hear from families after losing someone is: I did not know what to say, so I said nothing.
Silence, when someone is struggling, communicates that their pain is too much for you to be present with. And that is the last message you want to send.
This newsletter is for the people who love someone who is struggling. The ones who want desperately to help and do not know how. The ones who are afraid of saying the wrong thing. This piece will help you say the right one.
Why We Say the Wrong Things
People who love us almost always mean well when they say something unhelpful during a crisis. The problem is not intention. The problem is that most of us were never taught how to sit with pain. We were taught to fix it, minimize it, reframe it, or move it along quickly.
And so when someone we love is struggling, our instinct is to offer comfort in the form of reassurance. You have so much to live for. Things will get better. Others have it worse. These statements feel like love from the inside. From the outside, they communicate that the person's pain is either wrong or unwelcome.
What Tends to Close the Door
Instead of saying:
"But you have so much to live for."
Try:
"I can see you are in a lot of pain right now. I am here. Tell me what has been going on."
Instead of saying:
"Other people have it so much worse."
Try:
"Your pain is real. I am not going to compare it to anyone else's. I just want to understand what you are going through."
Instead of saying:
"You need to think about how this affects your family."
Try:
"I love you and I am worried about you. Can we talk about what you have been feeling?"
Instead of saying:
"Just pray more. Things will get better."
Try:
"I want to support you through this. Is there something specific that would help right now?"
Instead of saying:
"You do not seem like the type."
Try:
"I had no idea you were carrying this. I am really glad you told me. What do you need from me?"
Instead of saying:
"Be strong for your family."
Try:
"You do not have to be strong for anyone right now. I am here. Just tell me what is true for you."
The Pattern in What Helps
Looking at the responses that open the door, a pattern emerges. None of them fix anything. None of them offer reassurance that things will improve. They all do the same three things:
• Acknowledge the pain without minimizing it
• Express care without conditions or expectations
• Stay present and ask rather than assume
You do not need clinical training to do these three things. You need willingness to be uncomfortable for the sake of someone you love. That is all.
"Saying the wrong thing is almost always better than saying nothing. Silence, when someone is struggling, is the loudest message of all."
The One Question That Can Save a Life
Research consistently shows that asking someone directly whether they are thinking about suicide does not plant the idea or make things worse. In study after study, it does the opposite. It communicates that you can handle the answer. That you are not going to flinch or disappear. That the person is not too much for you.
The question is simply this: are you thinking about hurting yourself or ending your life?
You do not need to know what to do next. You just need to be willing to ask, and willing to stay in the room for the answer.
If they say no
Believe them and stay present. Express that you are glad they told you, that you are there for them, and that they can come to you if that changes. Then follow through.
If they say yes
Stay with them. Do not leave them alone. Let them talk. And then gently help them access support: calling 988 together, going to an emergency room, contacting a therapist. Your job is not to fix it. Your job is to not walk away.
In South Asian and immigrant families
This conversation is particularly hard in communities where mental health is still associated with weakness or shame. Where a family member admitting they are struggling can feel like a threat to the family's reputation. Where the instinct is to manage it quietly and pray it passes.
I want to say something directly to families in these communities: getting your person help is not a betrayal of your values. It is the most important thing you can do for them. And the alternative, staying silent while they disappear on the inside, costs far more than any conversation.
"You do not need to have the right words. You just need to be willing to stay."
Next week is our final piece in this series: an honest letter for anyone carrying grief that has become too heavy. I hope you will read it and share it widely.
If you or someone you love is in crisis right now, please call or text 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Free and confidential.
About the Author
Ashma Hakani, LCSW-S is a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of Renewed Hope Therapy, PLLC. She specializes in grief, trauma, anxiety, and relationship issues, providing compassionate, culturally competent, and trauma-informed care. With over 18 years of experience, she utilizes evidence-based approaches to support her clients in building resilience and coping skills. Ashma also offers clinical supervision and mental health education to individuals and communities. Her work is rooted in the belief that healing is a journey, and she is dedicated to walking alongside her clients every step of the way.
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